Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Someone robbed me, it probably was her

This morning I noticed my hard drive was missing, luckily I had bought a new one because I had the feeling the old one might be failing, so I am not completely lost now, but of course a lot of things are gone now.

The only person that could have done it is her (I thought she was still in Austria, but apparently not). The person must have had keys, and the things stolen don't really make sense for a normal thief(so far I only noticed the hard drive and my morrocan SIM card( I don't understand this part at all afaik it doesn't work anymore, I had a friend try to send an SMS in the past which never arrived). I don't really understand the reasoning behind this. I will have to check if more is missing tonight.

I seriously wonder what is going on in her mind. Why? Why would she do this after all this time ignoring me and blocking me everywhere she goes on to steal?

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Trying to understand her

I am trying to understand how she makes all these things work in her mind to not feel like total shit, or maybe she really doesn't have any conscience?

It is difficult to say what she really thinks, because I wouldn't know if the things she said were just in order to manipulate me or actually honest. For example she said she felt guilty after getting angry at me for no reason, but then she pretended to get angry and feel pressured by simple questions and tried to make me feel guilty and bad just to hide her activities.

She also said she was pissed at her french flatmate because he drank her lemonade. Would someone really be pissed for several months about something like that though? I think the real reason was that he was exactly like her and somehow it bothers her in others. In fact the smallest mistake of a peer seemed to piss her off sometimes, while her failings never matter or she couldn't remember them. This was how she reacted during the breakup fight as well. I made a small mistake during a BREAKUP so nothing she had done mattered anymore. She said: I don't care. and made the little mistake I had done in that moment the only thing of relevance. Maybe that's how she rationalizes? Taking a little mistake blowing it up in her mind and then brushing of her own actually grave misdeeds with that.

I also have to say at this point I think she is a notorious liar. She even lied in cases where it didn't really make sense. I saw her receive an SMS from her flatmate and she lied it was one of mine that arrived late. She lied about not having data connection on the phone. She lied about her working hours and time available.(and later she told me she never has time during the week, when I knew she was meeting another guy during the week) She lies when asking for information, she uses fake identities(she seems infatuated with her own name. It's usually María something, for example María Izquierdo.)
She also tends to lie that everything is fine to people.

Then she was insanely jealous and controlling. I was forbidden to do language exchange, she did it with another guy. I was forbidden to meet any new girl, she happily met new guys, saying they were old friends (when funnily in the beginning she told me having guys as friends is impossible).
So she didn't even allow me to do the same things she did, saying I would end up cheating(while she is a regular cheater and I never cheated). That's so sick I can't even begin to understand how she can look into the mirror. All this even after I offered her an open relationship. Why? The amount of guys she goes through in a short time frame is just staggering and the she says she is busy because of 'work'.

Somehow she seems to feel the world owes her(probably rooted in all her insecurities and problems) and she can do whatever it takes to get anything.
Sometimes however it seemed as though she did feel a little remorse when I said things which really hit home(not during the fight, but before).

She did change a bit (all my efforts in trying to get her better did pay off a little) she was a lot more stressed and easier to anger when I first met her. So all my suffering was not for naught, it did help her(although it got a little worse again during her time in France). She leeced me and threw me away when she had drawn all the blood she could :/

Friday, July 26, 2013

How I feel about everything

At first I was very angry on how she has treated me(and still is treating me) and I do think that she should pay some price somehow, because apparently there is no other way to make her see that she can't play with people's lives like this. Maybe this blog will help in that by making it known?

Then I often find myself wondering if it was somehow my fault and search for things I did wrong until I remember that she had been cheating from day one.

However I also know that I miss her and the good times we had together when she wasn't preoccupied with other things...

I have been told it's fucked up to want her back but at the same time point out the wrongs she did and try and confront her with that. What other option do I have though(and I don't see that as fucked up). I would like us to get back together, but for that to ever work out, she has to make amends, if she doesn't, than the same thing is going to happen again.

So in the end after thinking carefully and too much about it, after all the damage she did to me and my life. I still would like to give us a chance. Yes, people tell me I am better off without her, that she is a sociopath and that I should move on, but I want to fight for this to work out. Maybe it's best for ME to get away and let her go on this way, but I don't think it's right to give up on people so quickly and easily. At some point a problem should be fixed and not handed down to others and I just want to hold her in my arms again. It seems like a battle I cannot win, but I have to try.

Ironically I received the result from bloodtests and have high testosterone levels, which usually goes along with acting the way she does (i.e. aggressiveness, cheating but not the deceptions and similar). Only I am completely not like that.

I am wondering how I always have to end up in shitty situations like that despite my best intentions. It seems that everything I do is doomed.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Aftermath

Then comes the part which really leaves me perplexed a bit. She blocked me on FB immediately, but then after the whole criminal claim madness, she started to go nuts and sent me a crazy mail and blocked me on skype. What's the point of this? Then she accepted me as a connection on linked.in, but when I clicked the link her profile had disappeared.

I tried to talk to her sister which was a big gamble(María said her sister(Paloma) cheated as well even in the first week with her boyfriend). A gamble I lost of course. So I have been blocked off completely and simply don't know what to do anymore.

So I, being the victim, get treated like the perpetrator and silly enough I try to fix things hopeless as everything is.

Sinopsis

Un pequeño resumen reuniendo los puntos más importantes. (traducido con google translate)

Ella engañó antes y pensó que era su buen derecho, porque el hombre a que engañó supuestamente no le había dado todo lo que necesitaba. (Al mismo tiempo que habló abajo en otras personas que actuaron como lo hizo y dijo que eran "muy especial" o "asqueroso")
Le ofrecí una relación abierta que ella no quería, porque ella me quería sólo para ella (mientras que secretamente estaba todavía con al menos otro tipo ..)
Ella había engañado a ese otro tipo con varios chicos antes que yo.
Ella me prohibió hablar con chicas nuevas, porque me acaba de terminar engañando a ella -> Estuve de acuerdo con la esperanza de que iba a conseguir más que el miedo que engaño a ella desaparece así era prácticamente sólo capaz de hacer cosas por sí solos o con ella (si encuentres a chicos, encontrarás a chicas tarde o temprano).
Ella, por supuesto, tuvo que cuidar a sus otros chicos también, que me dejó un montón de tiempo con pocas opciones. Usé ese tiempo para trabajar en las cosas para ella ..
Ella me mantuvo en secreto de todos sus amigos y familia que limitaba las cosas que podríamos hacer juntos aún más.
Ella siempre mantuvo viva la esperanza de que las cosas iban a mejorar, que quería presentarme a sus amigos, ella lo superaría sus problemas.
Ella nunca consideró abandonar su estilo de vida, siempre se planeó para un eventual descubrimiento, teniendo cuidado de que no existía evidencia de nosotros (ella es la única que tenía fotos de nosotros e también fotos con sólo ella estaban difícil) siempre teniendo en importa que podría utilizar dichas imágenes contra ella. Por supuesto tiene razón ella no puede confiar en nadie haciendo lo que ella hace. Ella siempre dijo que si vivíamos juntos, ella necesita espacio para ella (por supuesto no dijo para que pudiera engañar a mi con otros chicos)
Cada vez que ella pretendía hacer las cosas sola estaba con alguien. Esa fue también la forma en que mintió de nuestros viajes a sus amigos.
Ella me sugirió salir de España juntos y emigrar, que al parecer estaba planeando con otros chicos también.
Ella usa los estereotipos de hombres malvados infieles y niñas inocentes para manipular a las personas y abusar la confianza de la gente, aunque algunas personas simplemente parecen ser totalmente resistentes a ver la verdad. Entonces ella también usa su posición como abogada para amenazar a la gente con la ley (y ya que ella es la chica, la tendencia es siempre a su favor contra hombres). Ella sabe exactamente hasta dónde se puede ir sin tener problemas, por ejemplo no tiene calmas morales sobre hurto.

En definitiva he tratado de hacer todo lo posible para apoyarla y ayudarla y ella sólo me estaba usando para su propio beneficio personal sin la mínima consideración a mi bienestar (o de las otras vidas con que jugaba). Al final me llevé todo el daño y ella sigue como si nada hubiera pasado (después de que me enfrenté a ella lo único que le importaba era mantener su ropa sucia escondida, ella ni siquiera admitir nada para mí, cuando yo sabía) y me trata como si yo fuera el que hizo el daño. En realidad yo solo nos echo de menos y creo que las cosas podrían haber sido maravilloso (y todavía podría ser si ella realmente quería sinceramente), si hubiera comenzado a trabajar en sus problemas y nos hubiera dado una oportunidad real.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Summary

A small summary drawing together the most important points.

She cheated before and thought that was her good right, because the guy she cheated supposedly hadn't given her everything she needed. (At the same time she talked down on other people who acted the way she did and said they were 'very special' or 'disgusting')
I offered her an open relationship which she didn't want, because she wanted me only for herself (while she secretly still was with at least one other guy..)
She had cheated that other guy with several guys before me.
She forbade me to talk to new girls, because I would just end up cheating her -> I agreed hoping she would get over that fear of me cheating her as such I was pretty much only able to do things alone or with her(if you meet guys you'll meet girls sooner or later).
She of course had to deal with her other guys too, which left me a lot of time with few options. I used that time to work on things for her..
She kept me a secret from all her friends and family which limited the things we could do together even further.
She always kept the hope alive that things would get better, she'd introduce me to people, she'd get over her problems.
She never even considered to give up her lifestyle, she always planned for eventual discovery, taking care that no evidence of us existed(she is the only one who ever had pictures of us and even pictures with just her on were difficult) always having in mind that I could use such pictures against her. Of course she is right she can't trust anyone doing what she does. She always said if we'd move together she needs room for herself(of course not saying so that she could meet other guys)
Whenever she pretended to do things alone she was with some guy. That was also how she lied about my trips with her to her friends.
She suggested to me to leave Spain together and emigrate which she apparently was planing with other guys too.
She plays the stereotypes of evil cheating guys and innocent girls to manipulate people and abuses people's trust(innocent until proven guilty), although some people simply seem to be completely resilient to seeing the truth. Then she also uses her position as a lawyer to threaten people with the law(and since she is the girl, the bias is always in her favour against guys). She knows exactly how far she can go without getting problems, for example she has no moral calms regarding petty theft.

In short I tried to do everything to support her and help her get better and she was just using me for her own personal gain without the slightest regard to my wellbeing(or the other lives she played with). In the end I took all the damage and she just goes on as if nothing happened(after I confronted her all she cared about was keeping her dirty laundry hidden, she didn't even admit anything to me, when I KNEW) and treats me like I was the one who did the damage. In reality I just miss us and I think things could have been wonderful (and could still be if she really honestly wanted), if she had started to work on her problems and had given us a real chance.

a poem

The Poem

I tried to write a poem in the aftermath to try and sway her so that we could at least talk again. I had little time and this was my first attempt ever at writing one, so this clearly lacks a lot of polish and so probably doesn't really fit the definition of a poem. But I wanted to keep it as a piece of memory, so here is a screenshot. I miss her and our adventures a lot.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

The whole story


I am writing all this down, because I still can't believe how devious a human being she turned out to be. I still wish I could help her out of the mess she is driving herself in deeper and deeper and to make her see true happiness one day, but it seems impossible at this point. Losing her has left a big black hole in my life and I can't do anything but stare into it.

I got to know her via an ad for language exchange. We met for a tea(April 2012), walked the streets of Madrid and quickly became a couple. I was surprised how quickly she agreed to do an excursion to the mountains just with me, but didn't think much of it. I caught her first lies at this point already, but said nothing(She said this was the first time she was doing something like this, when actually I had received a mail from her before, which I never answered).

She told me that she cheated on guys before and that she thought that was ok. That was a big warning sign, which I ignored thinking that I bring all the patience to fix her and that she will see how nice things can be. I also had offered her an open relationship, to which she replied that she wanted a monogamous relationship, because she wanted me only for herself. I liked that answer and it quelled my worries a bit.


So went our strange relationship where I would only see her for short amounts of time during weekends because she was always 'busy', but those short times were awesome. Her excuses for this didn't seem to make sense to me, but after some time we started chatting daily on Skype and even when we were travelling together she received calls from her father about contract related things, so in the end it seemed believable, maybe lawyers really had such fucked up lives.

After I think something like 10 months I thought that I should do language exchange again since she almost never spoke Spanish to me and I had all this free time that I would have liked to spend with her but couldn't since she was 'busy'. So wrote a new ad and met another girl. It was going to be a nice evening, first I met the language exchange girl and then would meet her. I still remember how happy I was that I would see her that night. However when I told her that I had met a girl for language exchange she exploded. She told me I shouldn't play games with her and that I shouldn't meet other girls, because I would fall in love with them. I was perplexed about where this odd thinking came from. My suspicions awoke again, but I tried to be fair and thought maybe that came from the past. I also always thought that maybe she had a terrible breakup before or similar. So I agreed to not meet girls anymore which was the end of my social life, since usually you encounter girls at some point when you are with guys and I am not into the typical guy things: cars, football, beer. I always thought this would get better, it would be worth it to go through all this madness to build a foundation for a good relationship once we would be through her fears of me being the evil stereotypical guy.
She used that same reasoning for why she never invited me to her home, because, so she said, I would just end up cheating with her sister.

This I realized later was the way she built her lies. She uses stereotypes to her advantage whenever she can. So she is the innocent girl that needs protection from evil cheating men(and her family has fallen on hard times). She said if she would get caught stealing things in a store she would just cry so they wouldn't do anything (and she also knows exactly how far she can go due to her studies as to never get into trouble with the police). Then she also always made it seem like things could become better, by tellling me she wanted to see me more often, that we could do things together (but she never could have done any of that, because she kept me a total secret from her friends family and everything). Me the fool that I was, always tried to help her and make her feel better I sometimes secretly sneaked money into her purse when she went to the bathroom I tried to help her in every way I could.

At some point she came to me telling me she wanted to emigrate with me. I loved the thought finally living together with her, travelling around with her. I started to plan for that future which we came down to start this October(2013).

During all this time she destroyed many of our travel plans for odd reasons or made things more expensive by having us wait for the last moment or similar. Later I would find out the true reasons for all this. Then she told me that she wanted to go to Paris for three months to work in a cabinet about three weeks before she actually did and asked how I would see that for our relationship. Of course I said that we would stay together and that I would visit her. Then she said if we trust each other it'll work out.
Then things became super strange and she was 'stressed' all the time about finding a flat. so it was impossible to see her again before she left, but one time she suddenly left our Skype conversation to wax her legs. I wondered how it is possible that she waxes her legs when is so stressed that we can't even meet up? I left the house for a walk in her area and oh surprise. I saw her meeting a guy in front of a Rodilla(sandwich place), but I silently walked away and hoped that was just something else.

Then I received an anonymous mail which simply said: "Maria is cheating on you" and included a chat log of her with some other guy. At first I thought this was just some super odd spam and deleted it, but it kept going in my head. Then I headed to Paris for the first time bringing along a gift( a smartphone) to make her life easier, she should have gotten before going there, but that was impossible due to her 'unavailability'.

It was a very nice weekend but I had to rent a hotel for us because she was supposedly sharing her room with a Japanese girl(that never existed). She also found a lot of excuses to not invite me to the flat.
Apart from that the weekend was very nice. The second month I was going to come for 5 days for a trip together. She came up with ridiculous lies on why it was better to not happen shortly before I booked(after she had stalled forever before, because she had to do some research). She tried to make time run out, but one weekend I just said don't worry, I'll just book the flights. She then faked another anger session about me pressing her (she had done that before leaving to Paris as well) and it was completely ridiculous, because like that time before. I wasn't pressing her at all. I was only asking or offering possibilities to rid her of stress.
So I said I thought she had planned a trip with someone else already. She admitted that but made it another lie telling me she was going to a girls home in the Bretagne. (the truth was she went with her flatmate, a guy) (even more amazingly I found out later, the weekend before she was with another guy and then me the next weekend) Then she said I wouldn't really want to make her feel guilty about that, right? Uhm, yes one should feel guilty about treating people like that.

I tried to talk about her issues with her to which she replied using another one of her deflective mannerisms: "You don't really know me, if you think that!" Now I know, that I was spot on with what I told her back then.

I then came the following weekend (I had to book another hotel room, like every weekend) and this time it rained a lot, so we spent too much time in the hotel, while she watched TV she lent me her laptop and I went on to gather evidence and there I found that chat log which I had received by mail before. I was able to gather a lot of things that time (but only was able to really look at them when I was back). I was in an emotional turmoil already, but decided to wait. That weekend was horrible for the rain, for the evidence and because she convinced me to go by metro without ticket. She said if they'd catch me I could just pretend to be the foreigner and they'd let me go. I felt that was kind of just because due to the failure of the public transport I lost about 70 €uros one night for a train that didn't come and for an overpriced taxi afterwards. Only then I had to pay 50 €uros more...

The following week it seemed she was gone with someone again, because she had ignored messages and wasn't online anymore (It also would make sense since she had to use the holidays she got at some point as well).

I had checked the evidence when I was back in Madrid and was utterly broken. I had pictures of her with other guys and mails(but at least most was dated before my time). I saw that she was looking for jobs in France when she told me she wasn't. I also suspected that she had plans with another guy for Canada. I decided however to visit her one last time in Paris and try to talk.

When I finally saw her again in Paris she was awesome. She was so very nice and I loved every moment of it, but at points I put hints out there for her to be warned. At night she talked in her sleep and said she loved me for the first time and with such emotion in her voice I had never heard before.
The next morning we went on a hike with people she found over the Internet. She always had pretended to be shy and that she had problems getting to know people, but that was clearly not so. She also told people things which didn't match the stories she had told me and later told me that was just to make conversation(Really? You lie to to make conversation? That doesn't make sense. Why would saying the truth not be making conversation?) The evening came and she didn't keep any of the promises she had made again, because suddenly she was tired after I helped her with a problem she had... At that point I collapsed. It was too much. I confronted her, she denied everything. The only thing I got her to say was that the guy from the chat log was 'private' after previously denying his existance. She then was tired and went on to sleep again. I couldn't take it anymore and took a few bad decisions.

I took her backpack, to take her keys so that I could sleep in her room instead of the hotel and the whole backpack in order to transport some things I had yet to consume(she didn't need that she only used it for the hiking and normally transported it in her trolley). I also thought as a backup plan I take some of her money to cover at least some of the damage she did to me ( I was really short on cash, because flights+ hotels alone ate half of my salary and one third of it goes into rent, so you can imagine there isn't much left after food etc). I planned to talk to her about that when she would come to her flat.
However at some point she got up and noticed the missing backpack ( I was in the bathroom) and an endless 'discussion' followed during which I gave back everything, except the money which I had forgotten about already. Then we slept(well I couldn't). So I decided to inform the other guys I knew of.

In the morning I was deadly tired and she noticed the missing money. Now she had something to hang me on. I was 'disgusting' for stealing from her and so on anything else didn't matter anymore. I tried to get things back on track for a solution.. I didn't want to lose her even though things looked hopeless. I told her to whom I wrote(as best as I could remember) and she said I had done her damage...!

Then she started with a slur of things which just didn't make any sense anymore. She started to say things like; "you see if you had nude pictures of me, you would have posted them online", and: "I never invited you home, because family is sacred I don't invite anyone there ever".
She then tried to play the morale high ground saying she'd never do things like that to me(when she had done way worse things already..). I also don't mind it. I would give her the email addresses of everyone in my family and she could write to anyone.
She also started to say that I wanted to hurt her now. That's so not true. I wanted her to get out of the mess she created. I wanted to help her and be happy. I wanted her to stop running from her own lies. I still want the best for her(but I don't think living in a cloak of lies is the best), I still want to be with her, silly as that is.

I tried to give back the money I had taken + more to make up for what she accused me of but really never was my plan. However at first she wouldn't take it, then she took only her part. Then she asked me for my phone searching through all of it, walking around. Then she gave it back, only she had stolen my SIM and wouldn't give it back. I could do nothing.

Then came the closest thing to an apology I got from her. She said everyone in her family was doing it, her sister would have cheated on her current boyfriend during the first week already. To that I only say everyone is responsible for their own actions. She knew very well what she was doing. In fact I strongly suspect that she planned for it all the time. She told me if we moved together, she sometimes would need time for herself. I know that whenever she pretended to have done something alone expecially in regard to travel, she didn't. At times she was with me, at others she was traveling with other guys. She tries to portray the strong independent girl in that regard. The truth is she isn't she is weak and hurt inside and instead of trying to overcome that, she hurts others. Which is what she did again, as if she hadn't hurt me enough already, she then said: "Other guys paid everything for her." Nothing that I did matters, because I didn't pay enough?
She also started to make up crazy stories that I would have been cheating on her as well that she had read mails(which is simply impossible, I never cheated anyone in my life nor will I ever do that)

Then she left me to a horrible day in Paris, which I spent sitting with homeless people staring into the emptiness. The next morning I returned to Madrid. Then during that week she still wasn't done with making me feel miserable. After odd mail accusations, she came up with an odd ploy. She acccused me of having stolen her accounts (email/skype/FB). Of course I didn't, so I thought this was a chance that we could talk peacefully again and offered her my help. She then fell silent for the rest of the day until in the evening she said she had prepared a criminal claim against me. I thought this was just ludicrous, but since she is a lawyer and she has keys to the flat(thus easily being able to plant evidence) I was worried(and hurt on how far she'd go) and I replied that I thought that was crazy, but ok, in return I'd send a mail to her friends and family. She said she wouldn't care. So in a frenzy I wrote up a small summary (forgetting a lot of her cruelty) and started to send it to people always with her in copy at some point of which she replied that I wouldn't really want to do that and that she didn't really file the claim. Yes it was true I didn't want to do this all I wanted was to fix things somehow but she drove me to a point where I was just too destroyed to think clearly. So after her mail I stopped sending it out. She asked me to tell her to whom I sent the mail and to send them a mail, that it was just joke. I declined that, because for one I didn't trust her anymore that she wouldn't go on with her madness and second I am certainly not going to lie for her. She didn't budge on anything. She robbed me, made me feel miserable and just kept asking me for favours. Later I found out, that she then told people that she had a virus which sent out those mails(not everyone believed her on that, but way too many it seems, especially from the guys she cheated with). And that was it after that I never heard from her again leaving me to feel terrible.

Also during the whole criminal claim madness I contacted another guy and was shocked. Not only was she cheating me, she was also cheating with me. She had been with another guy for almost 7 years. It was incredible how she kept herself busy with guys. A weekend one, then traveling with another, the next weekend I. No wonder she was tired so much. To organize and hide all this insanity must be taxing. After all this she dared to try and make me feel miserable when I tried to talk about things. She succeeded I feel miserable to this day. Still I catch myself thinking that maybe it was somehow my fault, when she was cheating me from day one. I also don't understand how people don't notice her lies. Many things she said simply didn't match up with reality. I wish I could do something, but I am just a helpless fool and want to hold her in my arms.

One thing she told me when she said she cheated before, was every guy had missed something, so she needed another one. Well this is part of how she excuses it to herself. There were endless things we had planned together but never did, because it was impossible to keep me hidden like that. The truth is she misses something herself. Courage and integrity. She tries to fill her inner lackings with affection from others.

Her behaviour is deeply rooted in the personal problems and insecurities(sorry for not detailing this, because I think it would be relevant to point them out, but I don't want this to be demeaning) she has.
It would have been so easy to overcome them, but she doesn't face them. She just keeps running away and in the end she ran too fast for me. I had some success though, she had become much more emotionally stable, which I guess just makes her even more dangerous now. :(

I miss her good parts very much, we enjoyed much of the same things and I wish there was a chance so that we could work on her problems to overcome them, but all I get from her is anger and accusations or rather now nothing as she ignores me now/has blocked me everywhere.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Dramatis Personae

me: Olaf Kern, a German living in Madrid, coming from a forest in Germany, 30 at the time of this writing, 29 when I got to know her. I am working in the video games industry until October 2013.

her: Maria, a Spanish girl from Vigo, Galicia, living in Madrid as well. She was 29 when I got to know her and is 30 at the time of writing. She studied international law, and the last I know is that she was working in Paris until the end of June with a cabinet and at the time of this writing is about to leave to Salzburg, Austria for a paid course of three weeks.(yes she gets life served on a golden platter it seems)