Memories..back in Madrid

So I am back in Madrid already, but only for this month, still having two days of work before my contract runs out and a few things to take care of.

I am surprised by how much this still affects me. I would like to see her but there is the uneasy feeling of what would happen if - would she go crazy? has enough time passed? I wonder what she is doing now. Then all the memories walking down pretty much any street. Oh I was in that "El Corte Inglés" with her looking for sunglasses and I always waited there for her when we went to La Sierra.

The weather would be perfect for a trip...

Goodbye Madrid

I spent a lot of time in solitary thinking on lonesome roads, perhaps too much. Now I spend my last days in Madrid. After the last events in this nightmare I have decided that it is best to leave Madrid - and Spain.

Just leaving the flat is an improvement, but I don't want to run into her by chance and have her go crazy, that is something I could not bear(Also she is still a lawyer and who knows what she could come up with). And I think it's very likely that we would run into each other, we might end up in the same teteria by chance for example. Just now I have been to one, we once were looking for, but never found. It would have been nice to find it together with her, she would have liked it.

Last but not least, there are all the memories. I have to get away from here at least for a while and maybe more time and distance will make her consider sharing another cup of tea, watching a movie in bed or buying apples together again.

So first I'll pay my parents a short visit (I think she would have liked the place as well) in Germany and then either India and afterwards New Zealand or New Zealand directly. I'll be reviving my travel blog in the next weeks.

I have also decided to try and make something positive out of this blog. I will write more about this when/if possible, but I will not take the road everyone else seems to travel. People who get hurt start to protect themselves, go down the ego road to avoid similar things from happening in the future. I will not do this. I think those who fall should not be mocked for being clumsy, people should help them up, those who are uneducated should not be belittled for their lack of education instead they should be educated. I will leave my guard and if that means the one who fell into the mud was playing a rouse to pull me down into it as well, then so be it. Rather that than losing myself. I wonder what people think about this?

Maria ... I wish I would wake up from this nightmare.

Someone robbed me, it probably was her

This morning I noticed my hard drive was missing, luckily I had bought a new one because I had the feeling the old one might be failing, so I am not completely lost now, but of course a lot of things are gone now.

The only person that could have done it is her (I thought she was still in Austria, but apparently not). The person must have had keys, and the things stolen don't really make sense for a normal thief(so far I only noticed the hard drive and my morrocan SIM card( I don't understand this part at all afaik it doesn't work anymore, I had a friend try to send an SMS in the past which never arrived). I don't really understand the reasoning behind this. I will have to check if more is missing tonight.

I seriously wonder what is going on in her mind. Why? Why would she do this after all this time ignoring me and blocking me everywhere she goes on to steal?

Trying to understand her

I am trying to understand how she makes all these things work in her mind to not feel like total shit, or maybe she really doesn't have any conscience?

It is difficult to say what she really thinks, because I wouldn't know if the things she said were just in order to manipulate me or actually honest. For example she said she felt guilty after getting angry at me for no reason, but then she pretended to get angry and feel pressured by simple questions and tried to make me feel guilty and bad just to hide her activities.

She also said she was pissed at her french flatmate because he drank her lemonade. Would someone really be pissed for several months about something like that though? I think the real reason was that he was exactly like her and somehow it bothers her in others. In fact the smallest mistake of a peer seemed to piss her off sometimes, while her failings never matter or she couldn't remember them. This was how she reacted during the breakup fight as well. I made a small mistake during a BREAKUP so nothing she had done mattered anymore. She said: I don't care. and made the little mistake I had done in that moment the only thing of relevance. Maybe that's how she rationalizes? Taking a little mistake blowing it up in her mind and then brushing of her own actually grave misdeeds with that.

I also have to say at this point I think she is a notorious liar. She even lied in cases where it didn't really make sense. I saw her receive an SMS from her flatmate and she lied it was one of mine that arrived late. She lied about not having data connection on the phone. She lied about her working hours and time available.(and later she told me she never has time during the week, when I knew she was meeting another guy during the week) She lies when asking for information, she uses fake identities(she seems infatuated with her own name. It's usually María something, for example María Izquierdo.)
She also tends to lie that everything is fine to people.

Then she was insanely jealous and controlling. I was forbidden to do language exchange, she did it with another guy. I was forbidden to meet any new girl, she happily met new guys, saying they were old friends (when funnily in the beginning she told me having guys as friends is impossible).
So she didn't even allow me to do the same things she did, saying I would end up cheating(while she is a regular cheater and I never cheated). That's so sick I can't even begin to understand how she can look into the mirror. All this even after I offered her an open relationship. Why? The amount of guys she goes through in a short time frame is just staggering and the she says she is busy because of 'work'.

Somehow she seems to feel the world owes her(probably rooted in all her insecurities and problems) and she can do whatever it takes to get anything.
Sometimes however it seemed as though she did feel a little remorse when I said things which really hit home(not during the fight, but before).

She did change a bit (all my efforts in trying to get her better did pay off a little) she was a lot more stressed and easier to anger when I first met her. So all my suffering was not for naught, it did help her(although it got a little worse again during her time in France). She leeced me and threw me away when she had drawn all the blood she could :/

How I feel about everything

At first I was very angry on how she has treated me(and still is treating me) and I do think that she should pay some price somehow, because apparently there is no other way to make her see that she can't play with people's lives like this. Maybe this blog will help in that by making it known?

Then I often find myself wondering if it was somehow my fault and search for things I did wrong until I remember that she had been cheating from day one.

However I also know that I miss her and the good times we had together when she wasn't preoccupied with other things...

I have been told it's fucked up to want her back but at the same time point out the wrongs she did and try and confront her with that. What other option do I have though(and I don't see that as fucked up). I would like us to get back together, but for that to ever work out, she has to make amends, if she doesn't, than the same thing is going to happen again.

So in the end after thinking carefully and too much about it, after all the damage she did to me and my life. I still would like to give us a chance. Yes, people tell me I am better off without her, that she is a sociopath and that I should move on, but I want to fight for this to work out. Maybe it's best for ME to get away and let her go on this way, but I don't think it's right to give up on people so quickly and easily. At some point a problem should be fixed and not handed down to others and I just want to hold her in my arms again. It seems like a battle I cannot win, but I have to try.

Ironically I received the result from bloodtests and have high testosterone levels, which usually goes along with acting the way she does (i.e. aggressiveness, cheating but not the deceptions and similar). Only I am completely not like that.

I am wondering how I always have to end up in shitty situations like that despite my best intentions. It seems that everything I do is doomed.

The Aftermath

Then comes the part which really leaves me perplexed a bit. She blocked me on FB immediately, but then after the whole criminal claim madness, she started to go nuts and sent me a crazy mail and blocked me on skype. What's the point of this? Then she accepted me as a connection on linked.in, but when I clicked the link her profile had disappeared.

I tried to talk to her sister which was a big gamble(María said her sister(Paloma) cheated as well even in the first week with her boyfriend). A gamble I lost of course. So I have been blocked off completely and simply don't know what to do anymore.

So I, being the victim, get treated like the perpetrator and silly enough I try to fix things hopeless as everything is.

Sinopsis

Un pequeño resumen reuniendo los puntos más importantes. (traducido con google translate)

Ella engañó antes y pensó que era su buen derecho, porque el hombre a que engañó supuestamente no le había dado todo lo que necesitaba. (Al mismo tiempo que habló abajo en otras personas que actuaron como lo hizo y dijo que eran "muy especial" o "asqueroso")
Le ofrecí una relación abierta que ella no quería, porque ella me quería sólo para ella (mientras que secretamente estaba todavía con al menos otro tipo ..)
Ella había engañado a ese otro tipo con varios chicos antes que yo.
Ella me prohibió hablar con chicas nuevas, porque me acaba de terminar engañando a ella -> Estuve de acuerdo con la esperanza de que iba a conseguir más que el miedo que engaño a ella desaparece así era prácticamente sólo capaz de hacer cosas por sí solos o con ella (si encuentres a chicos, encontrarás a chicas tarde o temprano).
Ella, por supuesto, tuvo que cuidar a sus otros chicos también, que me dejó un montón de tiempo con pocas opciones. Usé ese tiempo para trabajar en las cosas para ella ..
Ella me mantuvo en secreto de todos sus amigos y familia que limitaba las cosas que podríamos hacer juntos aún más.
Ella siempre mantuvo viva la esperanza de que las cosas iban a mejorar, que quería presentarme a sus amigos, ella lo superaría sus problemas.
Ella nunca consideró abandonar su estilo de vida, siempre se planeó para un eventual descubrimiento, teniendo cuidado de que no existía evidencia de nosotros (ella es la única que tenía fotos de nosotros e también fotos con sólo ella estaban difícil) siempre teniendo en importa que podría utilizar dichas imágenes contra ella. Por supuesto tiene razón ella no puede confiar en nadie haciendo lo que ella hace. Ella siempre dijo que si vivíamos juntos, ella necesita espacio para ella (por supuesto no dijo para que pudiera engañar a mi con otros chicos)
Cada vez que ella pretendía hacer las cosas sola estaba con alguien. Esa fue también la forma en que mintió de nuestros viajes a sus amigos.
Ella me sugirió salir de España juntos y emigrar, que al parecer estaba planeando con otros chicos también.
Ella usa los estereotipos de hombres malvados infieles y niñas inocentes para manipular a las personas y abusar la confianza de la gente, aunque algunas personas simplemente parecen ser totalmente resistentes a ver la verdad. Entonces ella también usa su posición como abogada para amenazar a la gente con la ley (y ya que ella es la chica, la tendencia es siempre a su favor contra hombres). Ella sabe exactamente hasta dónde se puede ir sin tener problemas, por ejemplo no tiene calmas morales sobre hurto.

En definitiva he tratado de hacer todo lo posible para apoyarla y ayudarla y ella sólo me estaba usando para su propio beneficio personal sin la mínima consideración a mi bienestar (o de las otras vidas con que jugaba). Al final me llevé todo el daño y ella sigue como si nada hubiera pasado (después de que me enfrenté a ella lo único que le importaba era mantener su ropa sucia escondida, ella ni siquiera admitir nada para mí, cuando yo sabía) y me trata como si yo fuera el que hizo el daño. En realidad yo solo nos echo de menos y creo que las cosas podrían haber sido maravilloso (y todavía podría ser si ella realmente quería sinceramente), si hubiera comenzado a trabajar en sus problemas y nos hubiera dado una oportunidad real.