Pain and progress

I've been working on my plans and things are really hard. It was really challenging physically so far, but the worst part is the inner pain.

She could be a great woman, but she chooses to be one of the most horrible and pathetic ones. It makes me more than sad, and she apparently enjoys my suffering, treating me the way she does.

And in secretly helping her I kind of help her in her disgusting activities. Still I love her and can't stop neither will the hurt stop.

The worst day of my life will have its birthday soon, and the worst part of my life is ongoing.

Eating lemons

This is it, more or less the end of this blog. I have to focus my energies on something useful, all I do here is repeat myself. Of course, there will never be a real end, at some point I'll vent my pain again(and I want to finish the mire useful articles) but it'll be months, maybe years while I focus on my plan, which I hatched on my more and more dangerous journeys. Thank you to my readers especially those who commented.

I had left all my stuff in a village and then hitched a ride to Abel Tasman to spend the day there. When I was at the car park it was too late. The last car took two other hitchhikers who already had been waiting for quite some time. So I walked into the dark, but it was too far. After about two hours of walking I found a farmhouse with light coming from its windows. An old lonely man lived inside, he was very kind and offered a tea and even a room to sleep in for the night. When I left he offered lemons from his lemon tree. Then back in the village I had a lemon for breakfast.

This I realized is the only thing left I can do I think. Eat lemons. It seems Maria really is just a cold abusive and sociopathic monster. She doesn't even possess the kindness to answer my mail. But still I love her. So all I can do now is secretly help her without her ever knowing. At least that way I might be able to make her smile. She doesn't deserve it but it's the only thing I can do to ease my pain a little, apart from suicide. I need her to be happy. It's definitely a monumental waste of time and money, first I have to hire someone to find out what she does now etc. It's going to be one painful road and I don't know if it will be enough, or if I can't take it anymore, that the person I love more than life just used me in some terrible plan. That she prefers to be with idiots and fools, because they are the ones who'll never find out. It's just very sad and painful. Yes this is probably just postponing suicide but maybe in the end I can do some good. She called me her angel and I guess that's what I'll end up being, her secret guardian angel, because Maria I love you and I always will and I am waiting for you until I can't wait anymore.

Sadness

I have been waiting, hoping for weeks now. Now there is only infinite sadness. I'll be out probably for a long time now hoping every night in my tent, hoping she'll write.

Off to the track I go.

Dreams

I met many kinds of people during my travels and sometimes you meet someone who fought for his dreams and made them come true.

I met a guy who has been traveling for 20 years now and still doesn't want to stop. He is the living example that you don't have to live a life that you hate. That you can make your dreams come true. I wish María would see that, I wish she had been here.

My dream is simple I want to see that smile again. I wrote her a short mail. It was hard and I had tears in my eyes while writing. I don't know if that mail makes her more angry again, but I also just miss her so badly I just want to know how she is. I had to write her. I am terribly afraid but I feel terrible anyway. To complicate things her birthday is coming up.

La sonrisa gallega

Recuerdo tu sonrisa, María
Es la cosa más bonita en este mundo. Recuerdo ti en mi ventana sonriendo. I think you never realized that you were smiling in that moment. It was the most beautiful thing to see.

You had that same smile on your face when you sat in my arms on a bench.

I wish I had the chance to make you smile like that again.

The wasp and the dragonfly

I saw a wasp killing a dragonfly. The dragonfly didn't stand a chance. It was wildly flapping the remaining wings while the wasp was chewing off a wing.
That is a bit how I feel. I know that I can't do anything to fix my life anymore because my happiness is in Maria's hands.
I am just watching it wither away.

Sometimes I still flap my wings hoping that she comes around, that she still can believe in something instead of wasting her life away in some office until late at night, but I am getting weaker and weaker feeling like I do now, more and more often just wanting it all to end.

Sometimes I still flap my wings.
Maria, I hope you don't hate me. I guess all I do in life is wrong. I only wanted to be at your side and see you be the best you can be. It was nice to hold you in my arms. It was the nicest thing in the world to kiss you. I won't recover from losing you and to my death I'll miss you.

I'm waiting for you who forgot me, so that we could be together again.

Her anonymous 'friend'

It seems he is getting active again, I received an email from a French provider with the subject line 'your lawyer' in three languages: English, French and Spanish.

However I deleted it without reading it, so I can't know for sure. Would be mighty strange for spam though. I don't even want to think about what that means if it is the anonymous 'friend'.

I wonder if she even still sometimes thinks of me. I guess if she'd even did once a month that she'd had had a very deep emotional connection to me in the end. Still she just threw it all away like I was nothing. I want to fight to get back together but she doesn't let me. She has my unconditional love like she wanted and now I'm here hurt without end waiting and hoping that maybe she has a change of heart and it's at least willing to talk. There are years in my eyes while I'm writing this.

Maria I miss you, I love you more than life and you know that. I'd do everything for you.