The black peak

I spent the last two days in solitude(except for an old man I met in one of the huts, I had a break in). I climbed up a peak without taking any water(luckily there was snow, so I had something to drink the snow was awesome actually, I almost wanted to stay longer to 'drink' more) and left my message as you can see in the picture I did the same at a natural shelter (which I dubbed Maria shelter) and in other random places. Silly I know, but it's true.

At least up there on the top the message should stay for a while. It's difficult to get there and not on marked tracks.

Had I died the pain would be over at least. Now I'm writing messages to her that she never will read, feeling worse every day. Oh Maria I wish I could talk to you again and see your beautiful lips moving.

Ayer

He pasado el día sentado en un silla de piedra en el salvaje pensando en ella.

I wish I could have been sitting there together with her.

That last bit of hope

..that I cling to. It's stretched out so thin but it's the only thing that keeps me going.

The whole thing would be hilarious for an observer. She throwing away all her chances, so that she can keep going on down the road to perdition. I wanting to make her happy waiting for her till the end.

Oh Maria, te quiero.

The little sense it makes

I just can't comprehend it. Why is she choosing a life she hates? I offered to talk about things, I'd even be able to deal with her being a sociopath. I want honesty and trust. That's all.

She isn't happy the way things are and I want her to become the best she can get.

Yet still she goes on destroying lives and especially her own and I am left shattered and missing her.

Her cold hands

Yesterday I was on a mountain that is almost 1800 meters high. It was not the right place though, too easy to reach.

I have free calls to Europe from the hostel I am currently at and I would love to hear her voice, but I don't want to annoy her. It's just a never ending nightmare.

I miss just sitting together arm in arm and kissing. And I really miss her cold hands against my skin.

A letter to Maria

Dear Maria I am writing this letter to you that you will never read.

You have destroyed my life and you have destroyed me. If I even smile nowadays, it's fake. People said it would get better over time, but it really doesn't. Sometimes in the supermarket I just feel miserable. Now I feel like giving up, there seems no point in going on anymore.

All I wanted was to make you happy I don't understand why you did this to me. And I don't understand why you don't even want to talk. We could still make things right. You said your sad face was your normal one, but I think, you know that that isn't true. I've seen that isn't. Do you really want to live like this?

I miss you so much. It hurts too much.

All the things she liked

I have just come back from a really nice 2 day trip to the mountains. Great views from the summit and walking on ridges. Maria would have loved it, especially because it was really easy to walk.

I met a really nice Aussie family on the trip, the whole family had that gleam of happiness in their eyes. The mother reminded me of Maria in those moments when she was happy.

Now I am doing all the things she likes while she is stuck in her rut, playing away her chance at happiness, but I can't enjoy any of it either because I want to see her happy and hold her.

I think it's soon time to fulfill a promise I made her, only she won't know about it. The mountains here are perfect for it.