I just can't comprehend it. Why is she choosing a life she hates? I offered to talk about things, I'd even be able to deal with her being a sociopath. I want honesty and trust. That's all.
She isn't happy the way things are and I want her to become the best she can get.
Yet still she goes on destroying lives and especially her own and I am left shattered and missing her.
Yesterday I was on a mountain that is almost 1800 meters high. It was not the right place though, too easy to reach.
I have free calls to Europe from the hostel I am currently at and I would love to hear her voice, but I don't want to annoy her. It's just a never ending nightmare.
I miss just sitting together arm in arm and kissing. And I really miss her cold hands against my skin.
Dear Maria I am writing this letter to you that you will never read.
You have destroyed my life and you have destroyed me. If I even smile nowadays, it's fake. People said it would get better over time, but it really doesn't. Sometimes in the supermarket I just feel miserable. Now I feel like giving up, there seems no point in going on anymore.
All I wanted was to make you happy I don't understand why you did this to me. And I don't understand why you don't even want to talk. We could still make things right. You said your sad face was your normal one, but I think, you know that that isn't true. I've seen that isn't. Do you really want to live like this?
I miss you so much. It hurts too much.
I have just come back from a really nice 2 day trip to the mountains. Great views from the summit and walking on ridges. Maria would have loved it, especially because it was really easy to walk.
I met a really nice Aussie family on the trip, the whole family had that gleam of happiness in their eyes. The mother reminded me of Maria in those moments when she was happy.
Now I am doing all the things she likes while she is stuck in her rut, playing away her chance at happiness, but I can't enjoy any of it either because I want to see her happy and hold her.
I think it's soon time to fulfill a promise I made her, only she won't know about it. The mountains here are perfect for it.
I am back, physically at least. I spent all that time in a nowhere which probably is very similar to Galicia, more to remind me of her.
Where am I really though? My mind certainly is not where my body is.
