Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Eating lemons

This is it, more or less the end of this blog. I have to focus my energies on something useful, all I do here is repeat myself. Of course, there will never be a real end, at some point I'll vent my pain again(and I want to finish the mire useful articles) but it'll be months, maybe years while I focus on my plan, which I hatched on my more and more dangerous journeys. Thank you to my readers especially those who commented.

I had left all my stuff in a village and then hitched a ride to Abel Tasman to spend the day there. When I was at the car park it was too late. The last car took two other hitchhikers who already had been waiting for quite some time. So I walked into the dark, but it was too far. After about two hours of walking I found a farmhouse with light coming from its windows. An old lonely man lived inside, he was very kind and offered a tea and even a room to sleep in for the night. When I left he offered lemons from his lemon tree. Then back in the village I had a lemon for breakfast.

This I realized is the only thing left I can do I think. Eat lemons. It seems Maria really is just a cold abusive and sociopathic monster. She doesn't even possess the kindness to answer my mail. But still I love her. So all I can do now is secretly help her without her ever knowing. At least that way I might be able to make her smile. She doesn't deserve it but it's the only thing I can do to ease my pain a little, apart from suicide. I need her to be happy. It's definitely a monumental waste of time and money, first I have to hire someone to find out what she does now etc. It's going to be one painful road and I don't know if it will be enough, or if I can't take it anymore, that the person I love more than life just used me in some terrible plan. That she prefers to be with idiots and fools, because they are the ones who'll never find out. It's just very sad and painful. Yes this is probably just postponing suicide but maybe in the end I can do some good. She called me her angel and I guess that's what I'll end up being, her secret guardian angel, because Maria I love you and I always will and I am waiting for you until I can't wait anymore.

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